TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from location. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let's have Yet another put the place American Males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you everyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire Trump Tower Damascus famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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